Singles Scene Seattle

Diary of a Dating Diva: It’s Just Lunch Seattle’s Dating Diva Dishes - Summer of Love or Lust?

June, 2012

Dear Seattle Singles,

Summa, summa, summa-time…time to sit back and…DEFINE.  Define your summer love agenda, that is.  Will it be one of romance?  One of no-strings-attached passion?  Or will it be one of gallivanting wherever the wind blows you (a.k.a. anything but an agenda)?  Haven’t thought about it much?  Well, now is the time to crystallize your summer lovin’ goals, because you and I both know, it is the best time of year to be out and about dating in Seattle.  With the summer sun shining off Puget Sound, the Cascades glowing with beauty, and the city bustling with activity, we are all intoxicated by what I like to call the “Seattle Summer Seduction.”  So, use this seasonal seduction to your advantage when it comes to your love life! 

Setting your own love agenda is the easy part, but how can you decipher someone else’s?  Unfortunately, men and women don’t wear signs on them that say “Summer Flame” or “Summer Fling,” so identifying your potential love interest’s goals can be difficult.  But, after some keen observation, interrogation and even a little outright flirtation, I came up with some sure-fire ways to turn your summer crush into a year-round love-rush.  School may be out, but do your summer homework – it will pay off!

5 Ways to Turn a Seattle Summer Fling Into the Real Thing  

1. Spend quality time together, but not 24/7.  For many people, during the summer months, normal rules don’t apply.  We tend to throw caution to the wind and let all of our so-called dating “best practices” go by the wayside.  Don’t let this happen to you!  For instance, make it a rule that you see your crush only three times a week, max. Don’t let your priorities (i.e. spending time with friends, focusing on work, having some alone time, etc.) fly out the window.  Taryn, a close friend of mine, unfortunately succumbed to this summer pitfall last year.  She met Jason, an ex-surfer and free-spirited California boy in mid-July, and for three weeks the two were inseparable.  The only time I heard from her was when she called to borrow my bike, so she and Jason could ride to Alki for a sunset picnic on the beach.

As Taryn later recounted to me, she felt terrible that she had put all the important things in her life on pause for those three weeks.  She was in a summer haze that, as she admitted, involved few sober nights and many nights together with Jason (including one final night when Jason ended things by leaving a note on Taryn’s nightstand).  It’s one thing to spend a single night with beer goggles on, but spending the whole summer staring through Corona-colored glasses is quite another. And building a long-term relationship based solely on sex is just asking for trouble.  So, take a page from Taryn’s book and don’t isolate your friends when you find yourself in the midst of a summer romance.  They may be the very thing you need to help you get out of a lustful haze.

2. Co-mingle your circles.  Although you may be playing kiss-face and footsy all summer long, once friends come into the picture, being your carefree summer self may become a lot tougher. His/her buddies may demand more time, while yours may size up your flame and find them lacking. On the other hand, it may be you or your flame that finds your respective posses don't mesh with your style and personality.  Whatever the case may be, be strategic with how and when you integrate your summer someone with your friends.

Take our client Matt, for example.  Last fall he was in the “wooing” stage of his relationship with our client Sandra, and became nervous when Sandra started to become more than just a fling.  He knew he was falling hard for the traditional and conservative Sandra, and while he was excited to introduce her to his straight-laced engineer friends, he feared introducing her to his other circle of friends:  the bad-boy bikers.  And, what would his motorcycle cronies think of Sandra?  Well, after a few weeks and some convincing, Sandra met Matt’s biker buds…and she’s now a regular on the back of Matt’s Harley!

3. Be honest with yourself and with your crush.  Honesty is always the key to a relationship, but it is especially the case in a summer affair (or in making it more than just a summer affair). Most importantly, be honest with yourself. Do you want a relationship or just someone to get ice cream with at Pike Place Market? Are you really interested in pursuing them, or are they the person who happened to be hanging around after your company softball game? Are you showing them your true self or the more relaxed, more adventurous self you that you've decided to be for the summer?  The fact of the matter is that relationships aren’t all ponies and rainbows. There will be plenty of bad weather that rain on your relationship (literally). If your crush can’t be supportive when you’ve had a bad day and need to vent about problems bigger than your sunburned foot or need for air conditioning on that one 87-degree Seattle day, you can’t really expect to build a long-lasting connection with them.  That said, I don’t recommend littering your initial get-to-know-you conversations with an abundance of complaints.  There will be plenty of time to test your crush, and you’ll know when that time comes. J

4. Revisit your summer relics with seasonal substitutes.  Don’t just make memories this summer, build traditions.  If you spend the 4^th of July with your summer love out on the water belting Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the U.S.A.,” why limit quality time with “The Boss” to only then?  Plan a monthly karaoke night with both circles of friends to rekindle the memory.  Few things transcend seasons more than karaoke and Bruce Springsteen.  But whatever your fond summer story, get creative and find a way to sprinkle summer romance into your calendar year-round.

5. Embrace the law of attraction.  Ok, first I must give a shout-out to all you Oprah fans who have read The Secret.  Whether or not you’ve read it or believe in it, when it comes to controlling the outcome of our love lives, I believe the “law of attraction” is one of the most powerful tools there is when it comes to affecting the outcome of our love lives.  Remember that Seattle summer seduction I mentioned earlier?  Well, not only do we feel better about the city we live in during the summertime, but also about ourselves.  Whether it’s our sun-kissed complexions, our crisp summer morning jogs or the ability to sport our more revealing summer wardrobes, we just feel more…well, sexy during the summertime.  Plain and simple.  So take note of that feeling, because not only do you feel it on the inside, but people (friends and strangers alike) notice it and are drawn to it.  If you take the time to identify this feeling and the root cause of it, it’s surely one you can replicate at another point during the year—why not all year! 

While most of us don’t jump into a summer romance with the aim of ending it come September, it can happen unexpectedly because we fall victim to our summer alter egos.  So start determining your summer self now.  Because after all, a Golden Retriever isn’t going to keep you warm this winter!

Until the next time I kiss & tell…

 

Cheers,

The Seattle Dating Diva

Marcy Waldman

*Names have been changed to protect client confidentiality.

 

 Next Month’s Hot Topic: 

Has Online Dating Made Us Passive?

If you have a hot topic you would like the Seattle Dating Diva to dish on, submit your idea by clicking here.*

 

Diary of a Dating Diva: IJL Seattle’s Dating Diva Dishes… Body Talk –What is Your Body Telling Your Date?

May, 2012

Dear Seattle Singles, 

 

Whether you realize it or not, your body language is speaking even when your mouth isn’t; and it is crucial to understand what it’s saying when meeting someone for the first time.  "He stared at the waitress the entire date!" "He had a limp handshake." "She couldn't look me in the eye the entire night; she must have some kind of self-esteem issues and I don't want to get involved in THAT..." These are all phrases that I have heard from my clients, and I'm sure you've heard from a friend after an awkward date – or have even used yourself. From blatant stares, to twitching feet, to leaning waaaay back in your chair, our body language speaks volumes about who we are and what we're thinking; both negatively and positively. As the old adage goes, "actions speak louder than words"—and that’s certainly the case when it comes to dating and first impressions. So, be sure your actions and words are speaking the same language!

 

Let Me Hear Your Body Talk…

Below are a few of my favorite most frequently seen non-verbal cues – are they in your dating vernacular?

 

1)  The "Limp Handshake" 

When meeting someone for the first time, a hug is often too forward, so a handshake is a “safe” and comfortable way to say hello or goodnight…or so we thought.  The very beginning of the date is where you both are making those crucial first impressions, so be sure you are confident in what you’re putting out there.  For example, one of our clients, a Sales Manager in her late 40’s named Heather, recently met Jonathan, a successful, 49 year-old business owner.  Known for his confidence and ability to communicate, Jonathan had always felt in control of his first dates.  But after his date with Heather, he was miffed when she didn’t return his phone calls.  We later heard from Heather that she was somewhat put-off by Jonathan’s weak handshake at the end of their date.  After sharing her first date story with her girlfriends, Heather convinced herself that if Jonathan couldn’t even effectively shake her hand, then the odds were slim that he could really rock her world.  Yes, it sounds pretty ridiculous.  But if someone is on the fence about wanting to see you again, than an awkward gesture may be just the thing to sway their decision.  So boys, firm up those handshakes and ladies, welcome a hug if you’re comfortable with it – a man surely won’t turn you down.

 

2) The repeated "Glance-Away" 

Ladies, I often hear this one from male clients when taking their feedback post-date.  Their major complaint is that it is hard to read us women due to our lack of continuous eye contact throughout the date.  Just as women need a clear “buy-in” signal from a guy to gauge their interest (i.e. a flirty head-tilt, or a brush of the hand), so do men.  So all you day-dreamers, work on focusing all your attention on your date.  Because you wouldn’t want anything less in return, right?

 

3) The "Watch-Check"/ “Phone-Glance” 

It is actually shocking how often we hear stories about this occurring during a first date, so listen up!  If you’re addicted to your smartphone and don’t know if you can bear keeping it hidden for an hour, leave the darn thing in your car!  Ryan, a 38 year-old client of ours recently met Melanie, a gorgeous and charismatic healthcare administrator.  But rather than spending the hour looking into Melanie’s big beautiful blue eyes, he spent it surreptitiously (or so he thought) checking his phone.  Looking in his lap every few minutes, Melanie got the signal loud and clear that Ryan wasn’t interested in getting to know her.  At all.  The funny thing is that this couldn’t have been further from the truth; Ryan really liked her but was nervous, so retreated to one of his comfort-zone habits.  So take note:  if you’re someone who often checks your watch or phone during your dates, ask yourself why.  Discovering the “why’s” of your personal dating pitfalls is key to helping you nip bad habits in the bud.

 

4) The "Bro-Hug" 

Hey guys, I have a question for you:  at the end of the night after you’ve had a great date with a beautiful woman, why would you give her the one-arm hug that you give your buddies?  You might as well just say, “Later dude” when you’re parting ways.  It happens more often than you may think.  And women notice these things.  So unless you really do just want to invite her to watch football with you and the boys, make it a point to treat her like a lady.  Coming from a girl whose first baby picture was of her in a baseball uniform (I kid you not), it never gets old – trust me.   

 

5) The "Chair-rogant"/A.K.A. The “Lean-back” 

Yes I know, this sounds like a new rap song, right?  But it actually is a phrase we coined after one client’s experience.  Morgan, a 44 year-old CEO for months got a bad rap due to his lackadaisical “lean.”  Morgan had a habit of leaning way back in his chair, with his arms outstretched behind his head.  Women would tell us that he seemed like a good guy, but came off as a little arrogant.  After digging deeper, we learned that Morgan’s body language was what rubbed women the wrong way.  His simple chair pose in combination with his often furrowed brow, had women making assumptions pretty quickly into the date – and they weren’t good ones.  But after going through our Dating Boot Camp and adjusting a few things, Morgan now has a new awareness of his posture – and he’s positioned himself as a real gentleman in the eyes of our women! We now hear that he’s warm, approachable and genuine.

 

6) The "A.D.D.: Always Dating Daze" 

I recently attended a local speed dating event, and it was striking to me how obvious it was who the speed dating "veterans" were. And I don't mean just from what they said, but also from their body language. One guy I had my mini-date with immediately launched into his bio (which was obviously well-rehearsed), but it wasn’t his lack of questions that really stood out, it was his glassy-eyed gaze.  He seemed to be looking at me, but I didn’t really feel like he saw me.  He just seemed vacant.  We all go on a lot of first dates in order to find that one.  And trust me, I know they’re not all good ones.  But be sure to find your own way to reignite your energy before each and every date, no matter how disillusioned you may feel at the time.  I have one client who calls a close girlfriend before every date to re-hash a funny college story, because it gets her laughing and in a good mood.  You only have one shot to make a first impression, so make it a good one!

 

The craziest thing about our body language when it comes to dating is that we often don’t realize what we are (or are not) doing.  So next time you’re out with friends, ask them to observe you when talking to someone of the opposite sex.  They may notice something you haven’t.  But my favorite way to become conscious of your own natural tendencies when it comes to body language is to really hone in on that of your date.  Notice both the positive and negative gestures, and also how they make you feel.  Don’t let a limp handshake or ESPN score alert come between you and a potentially great date!

 

Until the next time I kiss & tell…

 

Cheers,

The Seattle Dating Diva 

Marcy Waldman 

 

*Names have been changed to protect client confidentiality.

 

Next Month’s Hot Topic: 

Summer of Love or Lust? 

If you have a hot topic you would like the Seattle Dating Diva to dish on, submit your idea by clicking here.*

Diary of a Dating Diva: IJL Seattle’s Dating Diva Dishes…Why Is It So Hard To Say “Thanks, But No Thanks?”

April, 2012 

Dear Seattle Singles,

 It’s 9:30 PM on a Wednesday night.  You & your date are finishing a glass of Pinot Noir and waiting for the check.  Whether you are the woman anxiously awaiting the moment at the end of the date when you think you are going to tell him you’re only interested in him as a friend (cringe!), or are the man nervously trying to decipher your date’s signals and level of interest (“She did seem to laugh at most of my jokes…”), we all seem to make it hard on ourselves when it comes to ending a first date.  But why is it too much to expect a simple answer to the simple question:  “Can I get your phone number and take you out again?”

If you think this is a “yes” or “no” question, think again.  It’s amazing how creative we get in our attempts to convey our lack of interest.  From my clients, to my friends and even past men I’ve dated, I’ve heard every technique there is.  And yes, I’ve even used a couple of them myself, before I grew up and grew a pair…of consciences. 

There are many excuses that women (and men!) use when trying to avoid reconnection with someone they are simply not interested in.  Though often well-intentioned, these techniques tend to cause more harm than good.  Here are a few of the most popular ways singles like to candy-coat their rejection attempts, or as I like to call them, “Rainbow-Sprinkled Rejections.”

RAINBOW-SPRINKLED REJECTIONS:

1.  “I had fun with you, but I’m actually kind of involved with someone else.”  Ok, first let me state the obvious; then why are you going on the date, girlfriend?!  That should be the first thing going through every man’s head when he hears this one.  And women, too.  Unless your date gives you this line within the first five minutes they’ve met you, odds are they just aren’t that into you.  Plain and simple. 

Denny, a 55 year-old divorcee with three kids, has been a client of ours for about 8 months.  Nine out of ten women will tell you he’s drop-dead gorgeous.  He’s 6’3”, athletically built with defined features and the brightest smile.  He’s smart, successful, close to his family and amazingly good-looking.  But for all he has going for him, you would think he would be comfortable enough in his own skin to tell a woman if he just wasn’t interested, right?  Well, at the end of his last date with Karen, he told her he had a good time but was seeing someone else.  The next day, a completely unattached Denny called us with his feedback, feeling guilty about what he had said.

So why the dishonesty?  Here’s my recommended alternative to this situation.

Alternative:  “I enjoyed talking with you tonight, but I have to be honest, I’m just not feeling a connection.  I really do wish you the best of luck.”  Straightforward and simple.  Not only will you be doing your date a favor, but will also prevent yourself from feeling guilty.

2.  “I’m just not really looking for a relationship right now/I want to be single.” 

Well honey, unless you just asked the man or woman to move to Switzerland with you, this comment makes absolutely no sense after a first date.  If this is the response you get when simply asking to see someone again, bells should be going off in your head – and I don’t mean the wedding kind.  This person is either simply not interested in you, or they were burned in a previous relationship and suffer from “post-departed” depression.  Whichever one it is, you need to take this line as a “No, I’m not interested.”

Alternative:  If you are the offender in this case, instead of misleading them, try saying something like, “I’m flattered and had a good time getting to know you, but I feel that you and I would be better suited as friends, and I know that’s really not what either one of us are looking for.  So I wish you all the best.”

3.  Texting in place of calling

Uh-oh.  I am definitely guilty of this one.  And, I’ll tell you that every time I’ve texted a guy back instead of calling, it’s because I really wasn’t interested.  I’m wiser now, but a few years ago I wasn’t.  I met a guy at a friend’s birthday party in Post Alley, and after a recent breakup (and a couple Gin & Tonics), he looked pretty cute.  Steve & I chatted for a bit and since we seemed to have some interests in common, I gave him my number.  The next day, the photo and the voicemail message he left on my phone had me wishing I hadn’t.  I responded with a text message telling him how busy I was, but that it was nice to meet him.  For months, he proceeded to send me text messages like clockwork – every Friday night.  They were benign enough, but after I deleted his number from my phone and still received one, I realized I had no one to blame but myself.  I finally told him I wasn’t interested and asked him not to contact me anymore.

Alternative:  The easy answer is if you just aren’t interested in him/her, don’t give out your phone number in the first place. But since we are talking damage-control here, just call him/her back!  If they answer, simply say “I received your message, and I had fun hanging out with you briefly the other night, but I really didn’t feel the spark.”

4.  “I don’t think you’d be happy with me”

A few of our clients have used this one, and most recently a 34 year-old woman named Shari. She had a pleasant evening with Brad and shared a couple laughs, but just didn’t really feel any chemistry.  Plus, Brad was so active and athletic, she wasn’t sure she could (or would want to) keep up with him.  So when he asked for her number at the end of the night, she said “To be honest, I really don’t think you’d be happy with me.”  Not quite knowing what to do with that response, Brad hugged her and wished her luck.  The next day, he told us that really had thought he would be happy with Shari, and thought it was the best date of his life!  What if he had instead said this to Shari that night?  Then she would’ve been in even more of a corner.

Alternative:  Usually I hear the above line when someone feels that they don’t share enough common interests with their date, combined with a lack of chemistry.  So instead, tell your date that you can see they have a lot of great qualities and are a catch, but that you just don’t think they’re a good fit for you. How can they fault you for being completely honest?

Don’t get me wrong – with the right person, pursuit and persistence are most definitely effective strategies.  But make sure to scrape off any candy coatings before mistaking someone’s lack of a “turn-down” for a signal to “move ahead.”  It is tricky, that is for sure.  We often say things that we don’t mean, and we often mean something other than what we say.  And all of above “excuses” seem believable.  That’s because, on the rare occasion, they are.  So when it comes to dating, if we aren’t honest with ourselves, how can we expect others to give us the benefit of the doubt? 

Men are not mind readers, and neither are women, for that matter.  Sometimes I imagine a world where before each date, everyone drinks some Veritas serum (shout-out to all you Harry Potter people), so you know that what you see is what you get.  If you want to let someone down easy, the best way to do it, in my opinion, is to be honest. And, if appropriate, help them understand their own bad dating habits so they won’t repeat them in the future.  Or at least call them back to tell them you’re not interested, after you guiltily gave out your number.  Baby steps, people! 

Make it your goal this spring not to give out your number, or ask for a number, unless you plan to call or return the call.  While you may feel uncomfortable in the moment, you will feel empowered (and will be more respected for it) after the fact.  I guarantee it!

Until the next time I kiss & tell…

Cheers,

The Seattle Dating Diva

Marcy Waldman

*Names have been changed to protect client confidentiality.

Next Month’s Hot Topic: 

Body Talk – What Is Your Body Language Saying About You?

 

If you have a hot topic you would like the Seattle Dating Diva to dish on, submit your idea by clicking here.*

 

Diary of a Dating Diva: IJL Seattle’s Dating Diva Dishes…Dating by Numbers – Are We Ageist When it Comes to Meeting Our Match?

March, 2012

Dear Seattle Singles,

Age is just a number…or is it?  For several months now, I’ve noticed an increasing trend among our clients; very strong opinions when it comes to the age of the person they are open to meeting.  From age 25 to 65, men and women alike, clients claim varying reasons for why they are stubborn-minded when it comes to their dating age range (which I’ll get to in a moment).  But one thing seems to be a constant - for whatever reason, singles are hiding behind a curtain of age and pre-judging the number before judging the person.

Here are The Top 3 “Ageisms”on the IJL Seattle Singles Chart:   

 AGEISM #1:  “If you met any one of my good friends, they would all tell you that I look WAY younger than my age.” 

Carrie, a 54 year-old mother of three and client of ours, is an incredibly dynamic woman – she’s travelled the world, owned a business, worked in fashion, ran a marathon and volunteered in the Peace Corps.  She’s the kind of woman who doesn’t want to leave one stone unturned during her lifetime.  But as open-minded as she is to trying and exploring new things, she is a real stickler when it comes to the age of the man she wants to meet.  Having been divorced now for about 5 years, all of Carrie’s  friends tell her she should be with a man who is at least a couple years younger than she is, because she looks “so good” for her age.  And Carrie is sure to bring her friends into every dating decision she makes.  Is it just me, or do you also wonder who these friends are?  Might they be Carrie’s male friends who are trying to flatter or woo her?  Are they her subordinates at work?  Are they her married girlfriends who don’t know what to say to her on Valentine’s Day?  Even if her friends’ intentions are good, the word “should” in the dating language is not meant to be a limiting one – but an encouraging one.  Especially when someone else is trying to advise you on how to run your dating life!

AGEISM #2:  “I haven’t shut the door on having children, and I’m very concerned that her eggs are going to spoil.”  Mary, a new client of ours, encountered this very “Ageism” last week on her date with Daniel.  I kid you not.  Daniel, a 33 year-old accountant, actually told Mary that he “does not date anyone over 32 (Mary’s age) because their eggs start to go bad.”  If this is what the accountants are saying during their dates, I cringe at what details the doctors must be sharing!  Joking aside, the issue of fertility is certainly a serious one.  But giving up the chance to meet the love of your life because of one or two years?  It just seems silly to pick your unborn child over a first date with a potentially incredible woman!  Obviously, since I’m a woman who one day wants to have children of my own (and a daughter whose mom gave birth to her at age 37), I am admittedly biased.  But gentlemen, a word of advice:  bringing up the ticking fertility clock on a first date is NOT a sexy pickup line! 

AGEISM #3:  “It’s so important for me to play as hard as I work, and men/women my age just don’t have the ability to do that!”  This usually comes up when clients either a) feel they live a lifestyle much different from most people their age, or b) just don’t want to grow up.  I say both of these with absolutely no judgment; one of my absolute favorite songs is Jimmy Buffett’s “I’m Growing Older, But Not Up.”  But when you let your perception of yourself vs. others your age hold you back from meeting another 50 year-old who likes to go clubbing, or from meeting another parent who just plain loves a good ol’ potty joke, it’s unfortunate.  Sandy, a 48 year-old divorcee recently moved here from New York and was a little apprehensive about dating in Seattle.  An accomplished surgeon, this woman plays as hard as she works and wants a man who can challenge her in her social life, as well as her intellectual one.  Her ex-husband was 35, and she’s always dated younger men because of her energy level and constant gallivanting.  She recently met Mike, a 46 year-old business owner.  Sandy really enjoyed him, but found that they were in pretty different places in their lives with different priorities.  Mike was actually a new grandfather and now treasured his nights at home with his family more than bar-hopping with his friends.  Then we introduced Sandy to Mitchell, a 55 year-old Financial Planner.  A former New Yorker himself, Mitchell was loud, proud and loved entertaining a big crowd.  He was right up Sandy’s alley.  The two bonded instantly and by the end of the night were setting up a 2^nd date at one of Seattle’s newest hot spots at the time, Citrus.  Who says you can’t paint the town red in your 50’s? 

I have found that jumping to conclusions about who is not the right fit for you solely based on age does nothing but limit you.  Age is certainly part of the equation when it comes to meeting your match, but it should not be the determining factor.  Remember, I’m just talking about one date!  Dating is an adventure, not a science or math equation with one solution.  We are all so diverse and varied in our lifestyles, appearances, preferences and personalities.  You wouldn’t want someone to judge you based solely on your age, so return the favor.  Believe me, you will be doing your love life a favor!

Until the next time I kiss & tell…

Cheers,

The Seattle Dating Diva 

Marcy Waldman

 

*Names have been changed to protect client confidentiality.

Look for Diary of a Dating Diva the first Friday of each month!

 

Next Month’s Hot Topic:

Thanks, But No Thanks:  The Art of Turning Someone Down

If you have a hot topic you would like the Seattle Dating Diva to dish on, submit your idea by clicking here.*

One Year of Success! IJL Seattle Wing Woman Dating Boot Camp Celebrates Its First Anniversary

 

We often say that every day is Valentine’s Day here at IJL Seattle, but this year February 14^th was truly an extra special day for us.  We received an e-mail from one of our favorite clients that had our entire staff choked up.  Last year, E.G., a professional male in his 30’s completed our Dating Boot Camp Series.  Here’s what he had to say nearly a year later:

Subject: Happy Valentine's Day
From: E.G. edXXXX@gmail.com>
Date: Feb 14, 2012 11:24 AM
To: Presley M.<presley.XXX@ijlseattle.net>


Dear Presley and the lovely ladies of IJL,

Thank you.

I'm sure that you hear that a lot, especially today on Valentine's day, but I wanted to make sure you heard it from me as well. For the first time in 12 years, I have a date on Valentine's Day. Even though I did not get introduced to my girlfriend through your service, I have no doubt that it is because of the experience and the lessons I learned from all of you that I was able to charm my way into her heart. When people ask about how I met Julie, I always make sure to mention IJL. The staff at IJL and the service you provide is above and beyond what I first expected. The support and encouragement that I received from Presley, Marcy and Jillian was top notch. Even when I had a snafu with Nordstrom, Presley was quick to respond to my feedback and incredibly understanding and sweet about the situation. In the end, Darcy teaching me how and where to buy clothes that fit me well made a dramatic change in how I was perceived by women. Female friends that I have known for years continually commented on how handsome or nice I looked. My practice date with Sara was also very reassuring. Hearing that I was doing well was a big boost in confidence and the few things that Marcy suggested I improve, I really took that advice to heart.

So, again, thank you.

Sincerely,

-E.G.

 

Congratulations, E.G.!  We wish you all the best in your relationship.  We’re routing for you!

Diary of a Dating Diva: IJL Seattle's Dating Diva Dishes on...

Valentine's Day & Your Single Status - Why Do We Commiserate, Instead of Celebrate?

February, 2012

Dear Seattle Singles,

 Valentine’s Day:  two little words that conjure up a whole slew of meanings for us Seattleites.  Whether good, bad or really bad, we all place Valentine’s Day in one mental compartment or another.  With the ubiquity of TV & radio ads, Hallmark Cards and Fred Meyer Jewelers, it’s nearly impossible to avoid thinking about Valentine’s Day this time of year.

 “To men, Valentine’s Day doesn’t exist,” is what my friend Ivan said when I brought up the topic at a dinner party last weekend. That’s a pretty bold statement considering that he was sitting next to his girlfriend of 2 years!  So maybe singles aren’t the only ones who dread talk of the big “V-day.”  Nevertheless, single guys & gals seem to be the ones who seem to get the most heat during this time of year.  But why?

I challenge you to Google the words “Valentine’s Day” and “single.”  You will be absolutely astonished by the number of results you find; I sure was.  There are SO many articles about how to “handle” Valentine’s Day single, and how to avoid being “depressed” by all those who are coupled up around you.  What’s with all the “survival guide” jargon?  I mean, come on - we’re single, not rummaging for the very last coconut on the island! 

Did you know that a cynical single somewhere actually created an alternative to Valentine’s Day for the single population, and dubbed it “Singles Awareness Day?”  Yes, S.A.D. for short.  And that’s exactly what it is – sad.  Do you really want to commiserate your single status, or do you want to celebrate how much you have to offer your future partner?  It’s your choice, but isn’t it an easy one when you think about it that way?!  I’m not going to let you give yourself a pity party like all the other articles out there think you’re doing.  Instead, I want you to embrace your single status and reflect on why it’s pretty fantastic to be single this Valentine’s Day.

Here are my 5 favorite reasons to celebrate your sexy, single self: 

1. Showing love to your wallet.  This Valentine’s Day, the average adult will spend $126.03 on their sweetie, according to a survey by the National Retail Federation.  This is the highest amount measured since the survey was launched ten years ago.  So go ahead; celebrate you and your fabulously frugal self and splurge for that bottle of cheap Champagne!

2.  Having the freedom to FLIRT.  Oh yes, fewer things are more exciting than engaging in witty banter and stolen glances with the mysterious stranger crossing your path.  You know what I’m talking about.  AND, odds are that on this oh-so-highly-hyped day, those out and about will be unattached as well.  So grab a wing-man/woman and head out on the town for some butterflies that would make even Cupid jealous (read on for some specific events fit to flirt!)

3.  Not worrying about perfection.  Will she like the Spanish guitar serenade over your gourmet dinner?  Will he hate my cooking?  These are questions single V-Day-er’s don’t have to worry about.  In fact, you don’t have to worry about anything!  From work to working out, our lives are often like pressure-cookers – both mentally & physically.  So while couples are carefully choreographing their candlelit dinners, you can be relaxing doing whatever you want to be doing.  Can you say relief?

4.  My funny Valentine:  Putting things in perspective.  If you’re feeling down, remember that it’s not because you’re homeless or starving, but just because you’re single.  Make peace with (in fact make love to) the word “single,” and find humor in the whole “pity party” society says you should be throwing yourself on the big V-day.  Others have:  http://www.howcast.com/videos/120572-How-To-Survive-Valentines-Day-Alone

5.  And finally, the new Qdoba radio ad.  I’m only partially kidding.  You know the one I’m talking about; they’re advertising an exclusive 2-for-1 deal for “couples only,” but the disclaimer makes it clearly known that the deal applies to “coupled friends, acquaintances, and Jim-Bob & Mary Sue who just happen to be standing next to each other in line.”  That’s right, good ol’ St. Valentine prompted this offer and us singles get to reap the benefits.  What’s more romantic than shaking hands with someone over a fajita burrito??

My ultimate point here is that “love” is not just for couples; it’s for all of us.  But, you can’t take it from me; you have to believe it for yourself.  If you know you’re a catch, are content with where you are, while also being oh-so-ready to find that special someone, than it’s only a matter of time until you do.  So live it up this Valentine’s Day!

Below are some fun spots to “get your single on”:

• YPIN: Valentine's Day Trivia Night

Tuesday, Feb. 14^th at 7:30p

@ Clever Bottle, Seattle, WA

http://events.seattlepi.com/seattle-wa/events/show/240380584-ypin-valentines-day-trivianight#

 

• 2012 Valentine's Day Cruise Party

Saturday, Feb 11^th at 9:00p

Fairview Avenue E.

Seattle, WA

http://www.hoopstaentertainment.com/#!

 

• The Castaways 6th annual Valentine's Day Cabaret!

Tuesday, Feb. 14^th at 09:30p

@The Can Can

Tickets: $10 Standing Room / $40 General Admission / $45 VIP

http://www.thecancan.com/

 

• Valentine's Day @ Citrus

001 Fairview Ave N #2000
Seattle, WA 98109

http://www.voiceplaces.com/valentines-day-at-citrus-seattle-1676262-e/

 

• Dr. Dog @ the Neptune

Tuesday, Feb 14^th

For music fans looking for a Valentine's night out, there isn't a better option than checking out Philadelphia's Dr. Dog at the Neptune.

1303 Northeast 45th Street

Seattle, WA

http://www.voiceplaces.com/dr-dog-seattle-1657502-e/

 

• Broken Hearts Are For Assholes: An Evening of Unromantic Comedy

Wed., Feb. 15^th at 7:00p

@ JewelBox/Rendezvous
2322 Second Ave.
Seattle, WA98121

http://www.voiceplaces.com/broken-hearts-are-for-assholes--seattle-1676667-e/

 

Until the next time I kiss & tell…

Cheers,

The Seattle Dating Diva

Marcy Waldman

 

*Names have been changed to protect client confidentiality.

 

Look for Diary of a Dating Diva the first Friday of each month!

 

Next Month’s Hot Topic:

Dating by Numbers – Are You an Ageist? 

 

If you have a hot topic you would like the Seattle Dating Diva to dish on, submit your idea by clicking here.*

Diary of a Dating Diva: IJL Seattle’s Dating Diva Dishes…Does Life Get Better by Chance or Change?

January, 2012

 

Dear Seattle Singles,

First off, I have to admit something; the whole New Year’s “Let’s Start Fresh” hype has actually kind of started to bug me. I mean, how many of us actually make AND keep New Year’s Resolutions?  I don’t mean to sound pessimistic, but are we really more successful with our goals if we make them at the start of the calendar year?  I recently looked back at my Resolutions for the past five years (because, having been a straight-A student of the digital era, I have dutifully typed them up each year), and a bizarre pattern jumped out at me—goals related to my professional development were consistently accomplished, while those dedicated to my personal and relational life reappeared on my list year after year.  Now, for a married, household-breadwinner with three small children, this would make perfect sense.  But for a dedicated friend, perfectionist and hopeless romantic, single gal like me, it seems counterintuitive.  After speaking with dozens of clients and acquaintances this past month, I was surprised at the number of people (both men and women) who have shared similar experiences.  I dedicate the following 2012 Reso-love-lutions to all of you.  If 2012 is to be the apocalypse of anything, let it be the end of making excuses!

 

TWELVE RESO-LOVE-LUTIONS FOR 2012

 1. Lose the negativity.  Remember your basketball coach telling you the key to improving your game is embrace that “10% is skill, 90% is attitude?”  Well, the same applies to the dating game.  We’ve seen it time and time again, and recently with our client Matthew. 

A tall, dark and handsome 38 year-old business executive, Matthew is the kind of guy who has women swooning over him each and every time he enters the room.  He has the looks, the job AND he spends every Saturday volunteering at Children’s Hospital.  So why is he still single?!  Hint:  Matthew never heard back from a woman he met 6 months ago, and has been a pessimistic dater ever since.  Well guess what?  He’s still not getting second dates with women.  Not because they didn’t find him attractive or interesting, but because they felt like his therapist!  So, fellas AND ladies, leave the whining at home (and also limit the “wining” on your date, if necessary!).    

2.  Get specific.  Instead of using criteria like “Must be smart” or “Has good sense of humor,” try phrases such as “Must challenge me to think in new ways” & “Must make me laugh until I cry.”  Pinpointing exactly what it is about the qualities you find most important in a romantic partner will not only help you spot them when you see them, but it will also keep you thinking about things in a fresh perspective.

3.  Broaden your opportunities.  Turn off the latest episode of The Bachelor, get off the couch and get out to meet new people.  Sign up to receive e-mails from one of the countless daily deal sites and sign up for the Zumba offer, a zip line adventure, an art class or a wine tasting course. The deals change every day so there has to be something to peak your interest.  Plus, who doesn’t love a great bargain?!

4.  Date outside your type.  Do you typically go for the sexy, leather-jacket clad “bad boy?”  Or the red-lipstick-wearing Fashionista?  Try combining circles with one of your wholesome, “girl/boy-next-door” friends.  You really never know who you might connect with.  Plus—and I speak from experience—sometimes it’s the all-American “plain Jane” type that ends up pleasantly surprising you.

Jake, one of our former clients and a self-proclaimed “19 year-old stuck inside the body of a 43 year-old,” had a pretty specific “type.”  When it came to dating, he was a bit of an “ageist.”  Jake was firm on wanting to only date women at least 5 years younger than him.  However, when Luann, the gorgeous, sassy 46 year-old brunette came into our office, we just had to call Jake about her.  Kicking and screaming, Jake finally agreed to meet Luann.  Three hours into their date, they were comparing college stories and laughing their faces off.  Three days later, they were singing their faces off at Chateau Ste. Michelle during the Doobie Brothers concert.  And now one year later, they are happily engaged.  So don’t be afraid to color outside the lines a bit – you never know what masterpiece may result!    

5.  Call in reinforcements.  Don’t be afraid (or too proud) to ask for help.  We do it ALL the time in our professional lives, so why are we so hard-headed when it comes to accepting advice in dating?  Call me hard-headed, but don’t try to persuade me with any reasonable answer here. There really isn’t one. :)

6.  Remove all things from your “ex” space.  There are all kinds of things that remind you of your ex - a song, a smell, a sound, a place...your tattered Bruce Springsteen t-shirt.  Try walking around each room in your house and removing anything that makes your heart ache or your stomach turn. There are probably things pushing your buttons without your conscious recognition, so be sure to look carefully!

7.  Don’t give up after a first date.  What if someone didn’t give you a second chance after the sideways Seattle rain gave you and your mascara an accidental gothic look for your first date?  If you’re on the fence about seeing someone a second time, go for it!  After all, how much can we really get to know about someone on a first date?  Odds are that you’re probably on the fence for a somewhat trivial reason.  So stop and ask yourself a very important question (perhaps the most important question when it comes to dating) – what do you have to lose! 

8.  Take (educated) risks.  Here’s the scenario:  you’re out with some friends for happy hour at Daniel’s Broiler. Suddenly, an attractive person walks by and catches your eye on their way to the bar. Instead of just looking away and brushing it aside, make a move! Get up, walk over and introduce yourself to them (just make sure to look for the ring first J). You never know where it could lead, so don’t leave yourself wondering.

9.  Slow down.  Dating is supposed to be fun, so don’t put too much pressure on yourself.  Setting a timeline for dating, exclusivity, marriage, etc. (especially before you’ve even met the person!) is just setting yourself up for failure.  I’m not saying don’t have a mental timeline of your ideal scenario, but don’t let it manifest any further than just that.  Take it one day, one date, at a time.

10.  Stop Feeling Guilty About Dating.  You compete with your ex for time with your kids.  Your mother doesn’t always remember each time you visit her in the nursing home.  These are undoubtedly serious issues that many of us have to deal with.  That said, so is finding “the one.”  Make yourself a priority this year; the other people in your life will be better off because of it.

11.  Re-route your routine.  Yes, you may adore the Chicken Chow Mein from China Palace, but if you take the same stroll down the street to pick it up every Friday, how can you expect to change your luck?  A wise fortune cookie once said: Life does not get better by chance. It gets better by change.  

12.  Change something…anything!  I’m not talking anything major, but if there’s an edgy new haircut or pair of glasses you’ve been thinking about getting, go for it!  Just one rule:  make sure to pick something uniquely you.   

This past fall, 51 year-old Peter started our Dating Boot Camp and decided he was ready for a new “sexy” look.  Already an athletically-built, well-dressed guy, he didn’t want to do anything too dramatic.  So we started with his hair; he had been dying it a muted brown color for YEARS.  After a little convincing from our expert image consultant, Peter decided to strip his hair back to its natural gray.  What a silver fox he turned into!  Now we enjoy weekly phone calls from him telling us how tired his hand is from signing so many autographs as “George Clooney.”

Whatever 2011 held for you, the past is the past.  And next year will be here before you know it.  So this year, resolve to live in the moment, control the things you can control, celebrate every victory (no matter how small) and learn from every defeat.  It really is as simple as that.  No one’s perfect, and your dates won’t expect you to be.  So have a sense of humor about your imperfections and vow to approach your love life as an adventure.  A good attitude is always attractive and never gets old.      

Until the next time I kiss & tell…

Cheers,

The Seattle Dating Diva 

Marcy Waldman

 You know, the man of my dreams might walk round the corner tomorrow. I'm older and wiser and I think I'd make a great girlfriend. I live in the realm of romantic possibility.
- Stevie Nicks

 

*Names above have been changed to protect client confidentiality.

 

Look for Diary of a Dating Diva the first Friday of each month!

Next Month’s Hot Topic:  Avoiding the February Funk:  Enjoy Valentine’s Day – Single!

 

If you have a hot topic you would like the Seattle Dating Diva to dish on, submit your idea by clicking here.*

 

DIARY OF A DATING DIVA: IJL Seattle's Dating Diva Dishes on...Holi-dating Etiquette

 

December, 2011

Dear Seattle Singles,

 Baby, it’s getting cold (and rainy) outside and with the holidays coming up, there will be mistletoe moments aplenty.  So, do your love life a favor and be prepared!  Whether you’re single and ready to mingle, or already have a honey making your insides jingle, these holi-date etiquette tips are for you. 

 

Holi-Dating Etiquette #1:  The Annual Office Holiday Party

So many questions arise when talking about this topic:  Do I bring a date?  Who should it be?  What will the implications be?  Rather than trying to answer these questions on your own, do a little research first.  Ask a seasoned co-worker what the vibe of the party was the past couple of years.  If it’s more of an “all-business/schmoozing with the higher-ups” kind of party, you might not want to bring a new flame since all your focus will likely be trying to impress your boss, instead of your date.  But then again, if you’re someone who thrives on your unparalleled ability to charm your superiors, it might be the ideal time for you to flaunt your confidence (which is sexy—I can’t say it enough!) to a recent love interest. 

It may sound a bit backwards, but the more casual-feeling party (you know, the one that usually ends in a raucous dance party or Queen karaoke sing-off) can actually be an opportune time to take things to the next level with someone.  It’s a great time to show them how comfortable you are around them, and let loose a bit.  As busy professionals in a 9-5 (or often longer) work world, it’s attractive when you can show someone your less serious side.  Just be sure not to take it too far and attempt a Kevin Bacon on the dance floor or a Whitney Houston on the mic…

 

Holi-Dating Etiquette #2:  Should You Put All Your Egg Nog in One Goblet?

For those of you unattached or just beginning to see someone, a big question no doubt looms for you this month:  do you take your chances on one person and risk having a silent night by the fire, or should you keep your options open and go caroling door-to-door?  I’ll admit, as an IJL First-Date Specialist, this question is somewhat difficult for me to objectively answer; we are all about maximizing the opportunity to find that “right” one.  In other words, unless you have had “the talk” about being exclusive with the guy/gal you’re seeing, I’m an advocate of being open to meeting someone else who may happen to come along.  I mean, December ‘tis the season of giving, so why not give yourself the best chance possible to find someone special by leaving your options open?

Jake, a restaurant owner and friend of mine, regrettably dove head-first into a holiday-time “relationship” without considering the potential consequences.  He had been “hanging out” with his co-worker Mandy for a couple of months, but the two had never discussed the nature of their relationship (or whether it even was one).  Mandy loved Jake’s sense of humor and his confident ability to charm the pants off of (or 25% tips out of) everyone.  Bottom line, she always had a blast when she was with Jake.  But, when he took her to his cousin’s holiday party where everyone knew Mandy’s name, background and plans for New Year’s Eve, she became a little uncomfortable.  Unfortunately for Jake, this incident was the beginning of the end for him & Mandy.  She spent Christmas Eve going out with her girlfriends and Jake spent it shutting down the restaurant and watching Home Alone.  Alone.

Here’s my point—don’t feel the need to rush into things just because the holidays are coming.  Follow your heart, but don’t let all reason melt away just because you may be in a sentimental mood.

 

Holi-Dating Etiquette #3:  Gift Giving Without Giving a Wrong Signal

We’ve all known someone (or are that someone) who’s received a gift from a significant other that has…well, confused us.  Guys, as much as I hate to admit this, more often than not it is women who put more stake into a gift than men do.  Remember that scene in Father of the Bride where Annie, the bride-to-be, gets a delicately-wrapped blender from her fiancée?  Well, whether or not an engagement may be on the line, you certainly don’t want your lady love-interest in hysterics due to your alleged impersonal gift.  But just as your gift can come across as “underdone,” it can most certainly also be seen as overdone.  The dangers in giving too lavish a gift, particularly to someone you haven’t been seeing that long, are numerous and often irreversible.

For example, last December a client of ours (Sherri) was dating another client of ours (Ryan), and after three dates, things were going quite well.  Ryan was planning an upcoming trip to Hawaii and invited Sherri to accompany him.  After a week of tropical breezes, divine restaurants and relaxing nighttime walks on the beach, Sherri returned thinking that Ryan was smitten with her and that he could actually be the one.  Meanwhile Ryan, slightly annoyed with Sherri’s high-maintenance ways during the trip, called us the next day ready for another match. 

How much money should you spend on your honey?  If you’re a play-by-the rules kind of dater, here’s my advice:  determine how much to spend on a gift by how long you’ve been in a relationship/dating someone.  If you’ve only been seeing someone a month or so, set a budget upfront of around $25.00.  If you are someone who isn’t comfortable talking money with a new flame (which has certainly been me), get over it!  IJL Seattle Senior Client Coordinator, Jillian Arbow, and her now-husband played by the gift-giving rules when first dating, and it worked wonderfully for them.  After a year of dating, they both decided on a budget of $100 dollars for holiday (& birthday) gifts.  Once on the road to engagement, all rules were off and they used their discretion when purchasing gifts.  So don’t feel like you need to woo your crush with extravagant gifts in order to progress the relationship.  A simple gesture (I’m a big fan of the good-ol’ personalized mix-CD) goes a long way.

Lesson to be learned here:  don’t let your gifts do the talking for you when it comes to your feelings.  If done correctly, a blender can be a much more meaningful gift than a sun-filled vacation.  Make the gift to your special someone personal.  A good way to do this is to give something that hints at past times together.  For example, if you’ve both talked about your love for scamming recipes off the Food Network, sign the two of you up for a cooking class!  If you spent an evening debating whether the rib eye at El Gaucho or Metropolitan Grill is better, take him/her on a taste test to playfully put the debate to rest.  Who knows, maybe next year you will debate desserts!

 

 Holi-Dating Etiquette #4:  Home For the Holidays

Your current flame:  To bring home to the family, or not to bring home?  That is the question.  Obviously, this is a decision that requires some thought.  Will he/she feel comfortable?  Will your crazy Aunt Lily be there to bring out the embarrassing baby photos?  Will your sweetie be offended if you don’t invite them?  There are many potential things to consider. 

It’s important to remember that every relationship is different; one girl’s year-long relationship can be the equivalent of another girl’s month-long relationship.  Only YOU can be the judge of how far along your relationship is.  If things have progressed to the point where thoughts of the future have begun to enter your head, then by all means, invite them to meet the fam!  The holidays are a time to be with family, so they will appreciate the inclusive gesture.

On the flip side, if you are still in “unknown” territory with your man/woman, you shouldn’t feel pressured to extend an invitation.  If your relationship is still in that beginning “butterfly” stage, don’t fret at all about going your separate ways for the holidays.  After all, it might be fun to have some funny family “war stories” to compare on your next date!

If you are flying solo this holiday, you will have a whole set of obstacles as well. You may be dreading the inevitable questions from your family—“Sandy, are you seeing anyone?  When’s the last time you went out on a date?  Do you think maybe you’re being too picky?  When are you getting married already?  All your friends are married and I can’t wait much longer for a grandchild!”  So how do you deal with all this pressure?  Confront it head-on.  Go into your family gatherings with confidence & don’t let anything (or anyone) bring you down.  If someone asks you why you’re not seeing anyone, smile and say “I just haven’t found anyone strong enough to catch me yet.”  My personal favorite remedy?  A rousing sing-a-long to the Pointer Sisters’ “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” in the car on the way to the relatives.  Honestly, it does wonders.''

 

If you don’t remember anything else I’ve said here, remember this:  it’s all about attitude.  The holidays are a time to be joyful.  So whatever this past year has had in store for your dating life, don’t dwell on it.  Forget those bawl-fests and heart-crushing breakups.  Forget the judgmental looks and gym sessions you missed.  The only pity-party you are going to be throwing this year is one that ends with serendipity!  

Until the next time I kiss & tell…

Cheers,

The Dating Diva 

Marcy Waldman

*Names have been changed to protect client confidentiality.

 

Look for Diary of a Dating Diva the first Friday of each month!

 Next Month’s Hot Topic:

Dating Resolutions for the New Year

 

If you have a hot topic you would like the Dating Diva to dish on, submit your idea by clicking here.*

 

Check Us Out in Styled Seattle's New Magazine!

Congratulations to our resident stylist, Darcy Camden, on her recent launch of Styled Seattle’s new digital magazine! Be sure to look for the It’s Just Lunch Seattle feature on page 22. :-)http://issuu.com/styled_right/docs/styled_right_issue_1

Know Any Exceptional Singles?

We are hosting an exclusive event for our Elite Division on November 30th!

E-mail us at registration@ijleliteseattle.com for more information.