Singles Scene Seattle

IJL Seattle's Dating Diva Dishes on...From Friend to Flame: Breaking out of the “Friend Zone”

 

November, 2011

Dear Seattle Singles,

Are you the kind of girl who’s always had a ton of boy-friends, but no real boyfriend?  Or are you a guy who finds women constantly thinking of you as their confidante and “buddy,” but nothing more?

If you answered yes to either of these, you are most certainly not alone.  Very often we hear feedback from clients echoing this theme; “We went on a second ‘date,’ but we talked all about past relationships and current celebrity crushes.  It was a lot of fun, but strictly platonic fun.  I might set him up with one of my girlfriends.”  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not belittling a friendship between the sexes in the least—I have more “dude” pals in my address book than I do gal pals.  However, when it becomes a pattern amongst your potential love interests, it could be an issue.  This past month I set out to break down the barrier between “friend” vs. “flame.”  Friends are fantastic, but it’s a flame that will keep you warm this winter!

Understanding why someone wants to only be “friends” with you vs. being “more than” friends is the key to understanding how to avoid the “friend zone.”  Based on years of client feedback and my recent client coaching sessions, it seems as though men/women wind up in the “friend zone” for one of the following reasons:

1.     Being too nice/sweet, accommodating or polite.  Note:  I am NOT saying that chivalry is dead (men)!  However, it is important to differentiate yourself from the crowd/competition.  Showing some sarcasm and gumption is one important way to do this.  This goes for men and women alike—confidence and playfulness is sexy, and is what will make you stand out from the go-with-the-flow, often indifferent-seeming crowd.  Remember, you’re on a date, not a formal interview.  So flirt a little and playfully stick to your guns! 

Jeremy*, a 53 year-old divorced client of ours recently encountered this romance roadblock.  The women he met consistently told us just how great a man he was—sweet, smart, successful & good-looking.  Yet for some reason, Jeremy was not getting any second dates.  After his fifth unreturned phone call, Jeremy enrolled in our Dating Boot Camp Series. The most effective feedback he received was that he was coming across as “too nice.”  By the end of the Boot Camp, not only was Jeremy the king of witty banter and flirtatious (dare we even say “come hither”) glances, but also the king of second (and third) dates!

♥Romance roadblock one: busted! 

2.     Talking about any kind of dating, relationship or matters of love.  This of course includes talking about past flings with your current interest, but also asking questions such as, “What do you look for in a partner,” and “What do you usually enjoy doing on dates?”  It may at first sound counterintuitive that talking about love can actually inhibit it, but it really all boils down to the nature of the conversation.  If it’s a discussion you would have with your girl friends (I’m talking to both men and women here), then it probably isn’t one that is doing you any favors romantically.  Remember:  we are talking about creating chemistry BEFORE you get to the point of romantic exclusivity.  Open communication is certainly crucial once in that relationship, but still do tread lightly when it comes to conversations of this nature with your significant other. 

♥Romance roadblock two: busted! 

3.    Body Language and Physical Interaction.  Here it is, ‘Fellas—while being too aggressive can get you into trouble, so can being too docile.  No, I’m not saying to jump a woman’s bones the first night you meet her, but, effective body language and physical contact are instant ways to show her that you’re interested in her as more than a friend.  She is then much more likely to treat you as such!  Put your hand on her back as you enter a restaurant.  Hold her hand as you cross the street.  And after you get to know her a bit and are comfortable around, kiss her, damn it!!

Ladies, you too can throw in a taunting touch every now and then!  Hook your arm in his as you walk down the street.  Physically acknowledge any compliments he may give you, by smiling back and making eye contact.  And if he asks to walk you to your car, let him!

♥Romance roadblock three:  BUSTED! 

Keep in mind, none of the above is about being manipulative or sleazy.  In order to set yourself up for success, the key is to be genuine and clear with your feelings, but without compromising the playfulness and anticipation of dating.  As with most things in life, dating is all about balance.  So be yourself, without taking yourself too seriously.  You may then soon find that’s just what your love interest will be doing—taking you seriously as a major catch!

Until the next time I kiss & tell…

Cheers,

The Dating Diva 

Marcy Waldman

 

*Names have been change to protect client confidentiality.

Look for Diary of a Dating Diva the first Friday of each month!

Next Month’s Hot Topic:  Holiday Dating Etiquette

If you have a hot topic you would like the Dating Diva to dish on, submit your idea by clicking here.*

Expert Tips from our Matchmakers

Here’s the scenario: you’re getting ready for a date with that certain someone you’ve been eyeing for months now, but still have so many lingering questions! What do I wear? How much info should I share? How much preparation should I do before the date? Our Seattle Matchmakers share their highly-coveted expert date tips.

 

Matchmaker, Sara French's best dating advice is, "“When our Clients are starting the process of dating through IJL I always tell them to think of the experience as an adventure for themselves. There is nothing negative that can happen, because it’s all about creating opportunity with new people. If they meet someone that isn’t their ideal match, it’s all part of the journey that leads to finding ‘the one’, and learning a lot about themselves along the way.”

 

Matchmaker, Molly Kane's best advice is, “My best piece of advice is to be your authentic self—100%. That said, on a first date don't share too much; you want to keep the mystery alive! Focus on the positives and make yourself memorable by sharing your unique experiences. Seems simple enough, right? Dating is a process, but the more fun and unique spin you can put on it, the quicker your results will lead to that long-term relationship.”

 

Exectutive Matchmaker Betty Sinclair's best advice is, “I’m known for not mincing words, so no excuses or self-pity is allowed during the dating process. Too often I see clients bring in their 'checklist' of what they 'must have' in a partner. However, making a connection with someone is more complex than a checklist. Challenge yourself to opening up your perspective and really exploring different opportunities that you may not have considered before.”

 

Dating Coach, Jillian Arbow's best advice is, "My best piece of advice is to be in the present when meeting someone new—don't focus on what didn't work in your last relationship or on your date last week. Have an open mind and throw that long list of must-haves out the window! Instead, focus on learning about the person sitting in front of... you. Also, don't look at your date & ask yourself, 'could he/she be my husband/wife?' The goal of the first date should be that both parties leave wanting to know more!"

IJL! Seattle Rocks it at the Girl Power Hour 4th Anniversary!

The entire IJL! Seattle Team at the VIP Pre-Party

 

Walking the Pink Carpet!

 

Betty and Sara Posing on the Pink Carpet!

 

Sara and Molly Rockin It!

 

Our Fabulous Coordinators! Jillian, Sharon "Presley" and Marcy

 

Molly getting her love reading by Justin our palm reader! The forecast looks good!

Check out Darcy Camden, Founder of Styled Seattle and Resident IJL Stylist in Forbes Magazine!

Congratulations to our resident stylist, Darcy Camden, on being featured in this month’s Forbes Magazine article!  Darcy has been working with IJL Seattle clients for the past year, making sure they are dressing for success on their dates.  Not only has she found them some amazing wardrobe treasures, but has also helped countless men and women find their inner “sexy.”  Great job, Darcy!

Check her out!  http://www.forbes.com/sites/lisaquast/2011/10/03/how-finding-her-passion-led-to-a-career-in-business-chic-for-darcy-camden/

 
 

 

 

Diary of A Dating Diva: IJL Seattle's Dating Diva Dishes On...Image, Effort & the First Impression

 

October, 2011

Dear Seattle Singles,

Sexy siren.  Simple & classic.  Urban socialite.  Free-spirited bohemian.  How do you describe your style and what does it mean for your dating life?  After attending Girl Power Hour’s Bellevue Fashion Week event and being featured on King 5’s New Day Northwest (http://www.itsjustlunchseattleblog.com/2011/09/ijl-seattle-clients-featured-on-new-day-nw.html) this past month, I’ve been thinking a lot of fashion, dating and the art of the first impression.  We all learn at a very early age not to “judge a book by its cover,” but when it comes to meeting our romantic match, do we judge the jacket before examining the content?

As much as you may not want to hear it, often times the answer is “yes.”  From job interviews to “worst-dressed” reviews, one experience is all it can take to make a lasting impression, positive or negative.  A first date is no exception!  We are a society obsessed with image; it is just a fact.  That said, we all tend to make snap judgments, especially when it comes to the appearance of the opposite sex.  So the important question to ask yourself is, “Is my first impression reflecting the image of myself that I want it to be?”

When it comes to dating and first impressions, what you wear undoubtedly makes the biggest statement about who you are, whether you like it or not.  Trust me, as a daughter of two recovering, uniquely-minded hippies myself, there is no one who thinks that this statement sounds sillier than I do.  I mean, if I want to wear my men’s vintage Mariners sweatpants out, who are you to judge me?  I may not be sexy, but gosh darn it, I’m comfy and cozy. 

Well, in our years of taking feedback from clients, date attire is one of the most talked about subjects.  Whether a 3-piece suit or a pair of casual cargo shorts, your outfit will send your date a message about you.   To dig deeper and get to the root of this issue, I spoke with Sharon “Presley” Mulvaney, IJL Seattle’s Image Expert.  Having conducted one-on-one image consultations with over 30% of IJL clients (both men and women) since launching the IJL Dating Boot Camp this past year, no one knows better than she the effect an outfit can have on a first date experience:

First impressions are an essential part of dating. Not only does how you present yourself impact how others view you, it has a huge impact on how you view yourself. When you feel good about how you look on the outside, your self-confidence automatically goes up. Confidence is the most attractive feature any man or woman can possess.

For both men and women alike, making a great first impression really comes down to one thing: effort. Therefore, I tell all my clients how important it is to make a conscious choice to present their best self to their date. Keep in mind; this is not about changing who you are- you should never feel like you are "putting on a show," or being someone you are not.  A date is a "special occasion" so, dress like it. You should feel like you are portraying your best self to the type of dates you want to attract.

For instance, Men:  If you want to meet a woman who is youthful and fit, then make the extra effort to get a new outfit, and hit the gym.

Women:  If you would like to meet a guy who is stylish and hip, put on some heels and update your outfit and hairstyle. Your date will appreciate the extra effort, and the results will speak for themselves.

Ahh, so that’s it.  It’s not just about image and outward appearance, but a level of inner-confidence that shines through when finding that outfit that not only accentuates and flaunts your best physical attributes, but also effectively expresses your unique personality and attitude.  That takes effort, and your date will notice.  It’s funny—maybe I’m just a sports junkie, but I swear—nearly every sports analogy can be applied to the dating “game” as well.  As daunting as dating can be, it really is true that when it comes to being a successful dater, about 10% is skill and 90% is effort and attitude.  If you go into a date feeling confident in yourself and how you look in the outfit you’ve so thoughtfully picked out, it is proven that you will have more success than if you are busy thinking about how you should have shaved that scruff this morning, or taken the time to re-fresh your makeup after work.

Take our client Blake,* for example.  After his IJL image consultation, he was instructed to ditch the old Adidas and faded surfer t-shirt for some crisp, dark-washed jeans and a stylish yet simple button-down.  Almost immediately, Blake noticed women taking him more seriously on his dates.  The women’s smiles and flirty glances had him feeling like a million bucks (ok, or maybe just the $250 he spent on his new sexy outfit).  Blake found himself confidently asking for his dates’ phone numbers at the end of the night, instead of passively giving them his business card, as he had done in the past.  However, the biggest boost in confidence was reflected in his actions after his dates.  Blake had been in the habit of protecting his ego—in other words, he never followed up with the women he was interested in, for fear of rejection!  But now, Blake has called the women he said he would, has had multiple second dates and is feeling better than ever.  This follow-through and new-found confidence has not only helped Blake in his dating life, but it has also carried over to other aspects of his life as well.

Flirting is another area where confidence in your image is a pre-requisite to success.  While there are an abundance of resources out there on how to master the art of flirting, the number one thing that every good flirter needs is self-confidence.  And I don’t just mean pride in your life accomplishments, but in your outward appearance.  For example, if a man tells you “Wow, you look fantastic tonight,” and you respond with “Oh gosh, well this dress doesn’t fit me like it used to,” while looking down at your post-pregnancy thighs, you will undermine his compliment and immediately communicate to him that you are not comfortable in your own skin.  Ladies, if this is you, please change your ways immediately!  Do what you need to do to feel comfortable in your own skin, but in the meantime, fake it ‘til you make it.  Owning the compliment with a simple “thank you” and a flirty smile will not only impact your date’s first impression of you, but will do wonders for your self-confidence. 

None of us are perfect, and your date doesn’t expect you to be.  But work with the unique canvas you have and make the choice to own your imperfections.  Confidence is just plain sexy.  And who doesn’t want their image to read “sexy?”

Until the next time I kiss & tell…

Cheers,

The Dating Diva 

Marcy Waldman

 
*Client names have been changed to protect their confidentiality

 

Look for Diary of a Dating Diva the first Friday of each month!

Next Month’s Hot Topic:

Tune in as the Dating Diva dishes on…How to Break out of the “Friend Zone”

 

If you have a hot topic you would like the Dating Diva to dish on, submit your idea by clicking here.*

 

IJL Seattle Clients Featured on New Day NW

 

IJL Seattle Clients Rock! Check us out on New Day NW. Thanks to the clients that posed as models! You look Fab!!!

IJL Seattle Partners with Girl Power Hour! Win tickets!

Are you a sexy Seattle Fashionista, or do you just enjoy mingling with them? Do you like free swag? If so, you cannot miss next week’s GLAMBITION event, hosted by Girl Power Hour!

We have partnered with Girl Power Hour to give away 2 pairs of tickets to the Weds, Sept. 28th event. Plus, one lucky Facebook fan will win 2 VIP tickets!

“LIKE” our Facebook page no later than NOON this Thursday for your chance to win. And don’t forget to stop by the IJL table to say hi! 

LIKE US HERE:  www.facebook.com/itsjustlunchseattle

 

Diary of A Dating Diva: IJL Seattle's Dating Diva dishes on...Dating in the Age of Social Media

 
September, 2011

Dear Seattle Singles,

Social media:  what does it mean for dating these days?  It’s clear that dating has come a long way since the days of telegrams and love letters, but does our ever-present access to the internet help or hinder our efforts when it comes to dating and relationships?  The answer to this question is definitely debatable. 

A couple of recent client stories have got me thinking more about this question, and should get you thinking about it as well.  I mean, is there really even such a thing as a “blind” date anymore?  Rochelle,* a client of ours in her 30’s, met Daniel* one Tuesday evening at Seattle’s Sip Wine Bar and had a fantastic time.  After nearly three hours of laughing and comparing crazy college stories, Rochelle was excited when Daniel asked her out on a second date before their first had even ended.  After happily accepting, she went home anxious to learn more about him.  One hearty glass of Chardonnay later, she couldn’t help but “Google” Daniel.  The first couple of search results were your typical findings; his employer’s website, the latest court case he was quoted in, you know, pretty ho-hum stuff.  But the third result, Daniel’s Facebook page, warranted a surprising result.  Rochelle noticed a comment from one of his friends referring to Daniel’s “son.”  The Daniel that she had just spent the evening with had no children.  As she later found out, the comment turned out to just be an inside joke one of Daniel’s friends had posted over 5 years ago, but Rochelle spent a week driving herself crazy, thinking that Daniel wasn’t being honest with her. 

While this story may seem trivial, its implications most certainly are not; many of us make snap judgments, especially when it comes to people we are just getting to know.  We are a society obsessed with image, so make sure your online persona is accurately and consistently representing your best and true self.  If you have potentially crude-sounding inside jokes or opinions, don’t use the internet as your sounding board unless you are looking to start a career as a comedian!  Think of the conglomerate of your online profile as a personal marketing campaign for your dating life. 

Brendan*, a 40 year-old sales manager & client of ours, can attest to this.  After a first date with the smart & sassy Sandy*, Brendan was smitten.  But then his Facebook profile picture got him into trouble.  Sandy told us that she had a great time with Brendan on their first date, but that after seeing the Facebook pic of him flipping Rick Neuheisel “the bird,” she decided he might be just a tad too immature for her. 

We hear stories like Brendan’s all the time. You might say he was “Googled and booted.” For those of you not so familiar with this hip new moniker, it means that someone looked you up online and then kicked to the curb based on dicey findings.  I’ve heard this term popping up more and more in Seattle singles lingo recently.  Don’t be a victim of this phenomenon!  Here are a few simple steps you can take right now to evaluate your online “date-a-bility” score:

1. “Google” yourself to see what pops up.  Is there a negative article written about your or your company?  Did an ex create a blog dedicated to how much they hate you?  Knowing what is already on the internet about yourself is the first step in managing your online reputation. 
2. Evaluate your Facebook presence.  If there is a questionable public photo of you posted on one of your friend’s pages, un-tag yourself or ask them to remove it. Also make sure your page is private and that your profile picture shows you in a positive light (as Brendan learned the hard way).  Treat it as you would if you were job hunting.  Don’t forget about those kissy-face pics with your ex!
3. Ask someone to recommend you on LinkedIn.  If you have a LinkedIn profile, it is likely one of the first things to appear on a Google search. Not only can a recommendation help you with your career, but it will speak volumes about your character as a person and potential romantic partner.
4. Differentiate yourself from the competition.  In other words, make yourself stand out for a good reason.  If you have important interests, accomplishments or core values that you want to be made known, don’t be afraid to list those on social media profiles (unless, of course, those interests revolve solely around cat-sitting and knitting sweaters…)

By doing the above, you will let social media work for you, not against you. If you are one of those people who frequently engages in the “Googled & booted” behavior (yes, you know who you are!), make sure you are doing your due diligence to get the full story before making rash assumptions about your potential love interest.  AND, don’t let Facebook replace face-time!  Social media should be used as a compliment to dating, not a replacement.  Don’t forget about those crucial face-to-face interactions during the “get-to-know-you” phase.  Despite the whopping eleven (yes, eleven!) relationship status options available on Facebook, not all of us fit neatly into these boxes, nor want to be judged based solely on those boxes.  While technology, the internet and social media have certainly become dominant forces in today’s society and dating climate, there is one thing we can always count on to be more layered and complex:  people.  So research those online profiles and scrutinize those search results all you want; because in the end, it will be your heart driving you, not your hard-drive.

Until the next time I kiss & tell…

Cheers,

The Dating Diva 

Marcy Waldman

 

*All names above have been changed to protect our clients’ confidentiality.

Might this be you? :-)

 
 
                                                                                                

Look for Diary of a Dating Diva the first Friday of each month!

Next Month's Hot Topic:  Tune in as the Dating Diva dishes on…Staying Positive Amidst the Fall Funk

If you have a hot topic you would like the Dating Diva to dish on, submit your idea by clicking here.*

 

 

Diary of a Dating Diva: IJL Seattle’s Dating Diva Dishes on...THE GAME OF LOVE.

Can we win without playing games?

August, 2011

Dear Seattle Singles,

“Let’s play a lovegame.” “I’m not a player I just crush a lot.” “Quit playing games with my heart.” From popular song lyrics like these, to current colloquialisms, game-player verbiage is everywhere nowadays days when it comes to dating and relationships. Dating is tough; we hear it from new clients all the time. So why do we play games to make it even tougher? Are we so competitive by nature that we wind up beating ourselves when it comes to relationships?

Before you say, “Wait a minute, but it’s the unpredictability and the challenge that is the fun part of dating,” let’s define the difference between playing a “game” and being “playful.” Game-playing is deliberate and disingenuous. Being playful is when you’re just having fun & being flirtatious in the moment; it comes from a good place. I’m not saying a little spontaneity and mystery is a bad thing, but there is a distinction to be made here.

Think back on the last time you dated someone who “played games.” Yes, I said think BACK because more likely than not, you’re not still seeing that person. What sort of games did he/she play? Below are a few of the most common games we find that people play these days. Do any of them apply to you and/or someone you’ve dated?

Games women often play:

1. The “Playing Hard to Get” game
2. The “Teasing/Putting You Down” game (i.e. giving their man a hard time about EVERYTHING)
3. The “Make You Jealous” game
4. The “Jumping Through Hoops” game

Games men often play:

1. The “My Heart is Broken/Poor Me” game
2. The “Call You When They Need Something” game (i.e. money/sex/a home-cooked meal)
3. The “Make You Feel ‘Lucky’ to Be With Them” game
4. The “3-day Rule” Game (i.e. waiting until 3 days after the date to call). This tactic makes women start to think “Why didn’t he call me,” or “Did I do something wrong?” When he does finally call, he then has the upper hand.

Ok, so now ask yourselves, “What were their motives behind these games?” I’m sure you can speculate about answers to this question for days, but my guess is you can find their hidden agenda on the list below:

People play games because…

• They like to be in control. We see this a lot, especially with high-powered business executives who are used to playing the inherently “bossy” role. Men & women alike, you need to be aware of this; even though you may run the show in the boardroom, you cannot let your work persona run your dating life. There should be no agenda when it comes to getting to know someone on a date, it should be just that: getting to know them.
• They want to come off as though they don’t care or need you, when in actuality they do. You need to be particularly wary of this one, because chances are if someone is acting this way, they’ve either been burned by a flame in the past, or have a very hard shell around their ego that will be difficult to crack.
• They enjoy “playing” just for the sake of playing. Whether it’s searching for a job, applying to a school or snatching up the last condo with a view of the Sound, today’s climate is a dog-eat-dog world; it’s every man for himself. And yes, I’m mainly talking to you here, men. But you’re going to be vastly disappointed if you carry this paradigm into your dating experiences. While aggressive & persistent pursuit is sexy, you must also relinquish a little control at times. Chivalry is most certainly not dead, so hone those skills (or teach yourself, as the case may be) because in the long run, you want to find your love “teammate,” not your “opponent.”
• They want to be seen as “cool.” Many facets of today’s culture actually encourage game-playing when it comes to dating. I mean, we are no longer in the era of great love stories like Casablanca or It’s A Wonderful Life. Instead, we go gaga over shows like Entourage & Gossip Girl, where it’s actually considered “cool” if you play hard to get and keep stringing along a love interest, even if you’re not interested at all.

I asked IJL’s own Matchmaker Molly Kane for her thoughts on why people play games:

People love a good challenge. I know I do! It keeps things interesting. If you’re bored at work, you’re most likely going to do something about it (i.e. leave or ask for more to do). If you’re getting tired of your workout routine, you’re likely going to mix it up by trying something new. If you’re sick of your noisy apartment, you’re going to start looking for a new one. We are not a society who likes to “settle” for what we have. But bringing this mentality into your dating life can be very dangerous. While we of course don’t want to stay with someone who doesn’t have the core values we look for, stringing someone along just because you are keeping your options open while looking for a better offer is NOT okay. We are talking about people here, not a job or an apartment! A healthy way to keep the element of challenge in a relationship is to be flirty and playful; mix up your routine and surprise each other. If this doesn’t work, then maybe you need to evaluate your relationship.

I agree with Molly; most of us do love a good challenge. So here is my challenge to you: try playing games in the literal sense of the word. Sports, board games, cook-off’s, even games in the bedroom are all healthy ways to spice things up and keep each other guessing. So, are you game?

Until the next time I kiss & tell…

Cheers,

The Dating Diva

Marcy Waldman

For further reading on game-playing, check out:

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/35461729/ns/today-relationships/t/aha-understanding-mind-games-men-play/

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/35461729/ns/today-relationships/t/aha-understanding-mind-games-men-play/

For a fun laugh with your girlfriends, check out this gem of a movie:

Two Can Play That Game

Look for the Diary of a Dating Diva the first Friday of each month!

Next Month's Hot Topic: Tune in as the Dating Diva dishes on Dating in the Age of Social Media.

*If you have a hot topic you would like the Dating Diva to dish on, submit your idea by clicking here.*

Men are more interested in a relationship than women?

In our 2011 Dating Trends survey we asked singles: “When you are on a first date, what thought is going through your head?” We received an unexpected result: not only did men and women have different top answers, but the first choice given by 47% of men, “Could we have a relationship together?” was one that in the past would have seemed more typical of women. Instead, women’s top answer, given by 50% of those polled, was the less stressful “Do I want to see him again?” Our Dating Trends surveys are beginning to show that men and women are becoming more alike in their dating habits and in some areas, they’re beginning to trade places. Another area where men and women are becoming more alike, especially over the last seven years, is in how fast they decide on a first date whether or not they want to see someone again. In 2004, there was a huge disparity, where 79% of men took fifteen minutes or less--and 64% of women took an hour or more! In 2011, 60% of men and 55% of women take twenty minutes or less. Unfortunately these results are not surprising. We are so used to demanding and getting instant information that we are beginning to become impatient and closed off, sometimes to our own detriment.

So what should we do? Maybe we all should slow down a bit when meeting someone for the first time. Give the relationship time to develop.